Star Trek:2009 Put Your Junk In The Box
by SpockLikesCats
Summary: Kirk displays his proclivities and loses something precious to him. Between McCoy's sage advice and Lt. Gaila's enthusiastic help, he's bound to get it back ... isn't he?    Warnings: anatomy-specific language/slang, Kirk embarassment - heh-heh.
1. Chapter 1

_**Put Your Junk in the Box **_

By Spock Likes Cats

_STXI - Kirk, McCoy, Gaila. Summary: Kirk is cursed by an angry mother. Some frank mentions of male anatomy, but no specific sexual activities._

_A/N: Inspired by the song "Detachable Penis" from Missile Kings and Captain Kirk's notorious history with females. Also by a certain picspam featuring Chris Pine. Captain Pike's words to Kirk are from the excellent story "Measure of a Man" by LadyFangs. Thanks to Aphrodite 319 for some great ideas toward story resolution!_

_DISCLAIMER – Of course, I don't own Star Trek. If I did, I'd be rollin' in dough and riding my horse near the Pacific Palisades and cruising on my yacht. But I might just be reading the good ST fanfic! Original characters are mine, mine, mine!_

**CHAPTER ONE: "'Pop!' Goes the Weasel"**

"Bones…" it was Jim Kirk's voice. "Can you make a … a house call?"

"Sure, Jim," McCoy said affably. He'd had his fortified coffee and a full breakfast. All was right in his world.

Not so much in Jim's, he found, after arriving at the captain's cabin. The _Enterprise_ had just left planet Axillos, rather in some haste, the doctor thought, and he suspected he might be about to find out why.

"Uh …this is pretty embarrassing," the young captain said, his cheeks flushing to contrast with his aquamarine eyes in such a manner that, had McCoy been homosexual, he would have found most appealing. Jim sounded like he had a stuffy nose.

"Did you catch another in your endless series of STDs? And what's wrong with your nose?" McCoy asked, preparing a shot.

"N-no, it's a lot worse … weirder … mmm, it happened on Axillos, there …"

"_What_ happened, Jim? If you don't start giving me some details I'm gonna turn Vulcan on you and say 'specify.'"

"Well, I, uh… met this really attractive young woman … only I didn't know she was a princess … and her father punched me out and her mother cursed me because we had … well, you know, the old 'Kirk magic,'" he mumbled.

"Yeah, you mean you tried your usual? Dammit, Jim, how many times have I discussed this with you?" McCoy shook his head. Most human males were incredibly stupid, insensitive louts. He himself liked to get laid on occasion, but he tended to make sure the lady was as free with her favors as he was with his. McCoy was not one who wanted to leave a trail of broken hearts in his wake. While Jim _acted_ regretful, and sometimes genuinely _was_, he often exhibited the sensitivity of a rhinoceros.

McCoy held up a hypo. Ever since their first day aboard the _Enterprise_, Kirk felt rather threatened by his hypos.. "Tell me. Right now."

"Okay, okay … she and I had a really nice dinner … I saw her in this little cocktail bar, y'know, you wouldn't think of a _princess_ hanging out in a regular old _cocktail_ bar, would you? So I bought her some drinks [_"Wine 'em,"_ McCoy thought] and bought her some dinner [_"Dine 'em"_] and we got a hotel room [_"Dick 'em"_] and the next morning she was bubbling over about how I'd agreed to be her consort and oh, her mother was going to be so pleased, and I made the mistake of saying, 'Excuse me?'"

_And we have now arrived at "Dump 'em,"_ McCoy thought.

"The next thing I knew, there I was in my dress uniform, meeting Dad and Mom in the hotel lobby, and Alinula was going on and on about what a happy couple we would be. So I explained that I had not been aware she was a princess, and she hadn't _told_ me she was a princess, and I couldn't _marry_ a princess because I had a few Starfleet obligations that would prohibit me from staying on Axillos … and her mother got really mad and said, 'So you Starfleet louts cannot tell a genuine Axillan princess?' and I was _so ticked off_ at her and her mother I made things worse by saying, 'Well, I couldn't tell her _much_' and her father popped me one in the nose while her mother cursed me: 'You shall lose that with which you found cheap pleasures with my daughter!' "

"Is your nose broken again?" asked the medico.

Jim shook his head, and repeated, in injured tones, "…_Cursed_ me!"

And with this last desperate exclamation, Kirk dropped his pants, both trousers and boxers, and _Pop!_ He took. Off. His PENIS. The testicles came away with it, so Kirk was holding a unit that looked like something McCoy had once found in his ex-wife's underwear drawer. Only Joyce's was not comprised of living tissue.

McCoy's mouth dropped open. His eyes lit up. "Do that again!"

Kirk sighed heavily, almost pouting, and glared at him from under his heavy brows. He put his penis back in place and McCoy watched, crouching [Kirk shied away a step, but McCoy barked, "I'm not gonna bite it, I'm a doctor, dammit!"] to watch the flesh at the juncture surrounding Jim's testes and penis knit itself back together, quite neatly, under his pubic hair.

"Holy shit," the doctor breathed. "I wish I could _document_ this …" [Or _cockument_ it, his punning brain supplied; his brain was a little _too_ alert after that fortified coffee…] "Take it off again, Jim; I want to see what it does. How is it that you're not bleeding, for example?"

Jim glared again. "How is it that _you're_ not bleeding? Wondering _that_, Bones?"

Nevertheless, his hand moved to grasp his semi-tumescent member [to McCoy's recollection, it was never _not_ semi-tumescent, except when Kirk was 'gettin' busy,' per the rapturous reports of many cadet women, some men, and a few multi-sexed beings at the Academy], and gently pulled it away from his loins, and, using his bio-scanner, McCoy saw that the cells were detaching at the molecular level.

"Jim … I'm afraid you're on your own until I can find a … er, a … root cause for this. A _scientific_ root cause, y'know, not a curse."

"Gee, thanks, Bones."

"Just try to keep it zipped for a while, Jim. You can do that, can't you?"

Kirk glared.

Bones left.

.

Ensign Becky "BJ" Jillian was a willowy young lady with lovely green eyes and bronze hair. Her skin was café au lait, and her lips were sensual and deep pink in color. And her figure was killer: generously rounded breasts and rump and well-muscled thighs, with a slender waist. Kirk had lusted after her for months, and found her in the officers' mess at dinnertime. He flashed his great charming smile at her, made his "Aw, shucks" face when she saw his smile and began to respond, and all but strutted over to her.

"How would you like to come up to the Observation Deck for dessert?" he asked in a whisper.

"I might like that," she whispered back.

"Meet me there in ten."

"Aye, aye," she said, her voice already on simmer.

Kirk turned awkwardly around and looked at her, unsure of what she meant. "Umm … that wasn't an official order, by the way. I just wanted to make sure you knew that beforehand."

"Of course I knew that!" she smiled, that much more charmed by his diffident manner.

He smiled again and walked out through the doors.

.

So here they were in a "private" viewing area, equipped with a couch, a comms device, and a sound dampener, having a lovely, lengthy "dessert." Kirk and Becky, for that was her first name, had consummated their brief friendship about seven different ways, and were just finishing the last, when an ominous feeling came over Kirk's groin and a weird "pop!" almost like a wine cork's sounded in the quiet, starlit room.

Kirk pulled back and Becky's face grew very very pale, and she mustered up some breath to start screaming, but Kirk quickly put his hand over her mouth and said, "Imagine how _I_ feel," and her panicky breathing quickly subsided while she motioned frantically at him:

"Just get it out of me! Oh ye _gods! Yaaaakh_!" She ran out of the room, putting her uniform back into place, and, holding her hand to her mouth, headed for the toilets.

_So much for seeing __her__ again,_ Kirk thought. He pondered his penis and testicles, sitting, in a rather flaccid way, on his hand. He looked down at the blank area where these items would, he supposed, knit back onto his body. Not so bad, in and of itself; it might even make cleaning easier—the only thing he had to overcome was the female freak-out factor.

.

_**A/N: **"Pop" Goes The Weasel is my little joke. At one time there was a theory that this lyric in the old English folk song referred to a man's 'man-part'. But, as you can see from a look at the folklore page or the Wiki page or the "origin of the phrase" page, nope, it isn't. Never was, except in some of our dirty lil' minds. _

Reviews and constructive criticism welcome!


	2. Chapter 2

_**Put Your Junk in the Box **_

By Spock Likes Cats

_STXI - Kirk, McCoy, Gaila. Summary: Kirk is cursed by an angry mother. Some frank mentions of male anatomy, but no specific sexual activities._

_A/N: Inspired by the song "Detachable Penis" from Missile Kings and Captain Kirk's notorious history with females. Also by a certain picspam featuring Chris Pine. Captain Pike's words to Kirk are from the excellent story "Measure of a Man" by LadyFangs. Thanks to Aphrodite420 for some great ideas toward story resolution!_

_DISCLAIMER – Of course, I don't own Star Trek. If I did, I'd be rollin' in dough and riding my horse near the Pacific Palisades and cruising on my yacht. But I might just be reading the good ST fanfic! Original characters are mine!_

**CHAPTER TWO: "Errant _Tissue_?"**

About a month later, after a strenuous diplomatic mission (Kirk hated dealing with diplomats at least as much as he hated dealing with Klingons), Kirk ordered two days' leave at Wrigley's Pleasure Planet. There was a party at Finagle's Bar, and the _Enterprise_ crew had a great deal of fun with the various peoples there, and most of the officers returned to the ship afterward.

But Kirk got drunk, and he didn't remember what had happened, exactly; just that he was with a beautiful, incredibly sexy woman and then he woke up alone, _sans_ penis.

He called Bones, but Bones was dealing with a serious medical emergency on board the _Enterprise_—apparently Keenser had fallen from a framework he liked to climb, and this time had cracked his head pretty hard on the edge of a control panel. "Why we don't cushion all these damned things is a mystery to me," McCoy grumbled. "In fact, I'm gonna suggest it to Starfleet Command. No sharp edges anywhere – it'll save crewmembers and me so much time."

"When're you gonna be done with Keenser?"

"'Bout a half an hour, Jim. Whyn't you call Spock to help you?"

"Har-de-har-har," Kirk said.

"It's just a bit of errant Human tissue," McCoy said, rubbing it in.

"Bones, that was _not_ nice. I can't call Spock for this. He and Uhura would be exchanging glances behind my back for months."

"Call Lieutenant Mah-Naz, then," said the doctor. "She knows you, and she knows your proclivities, and you shouldn't be all that embarrassed in front of her, should you now? Plus she's an engineer and she can fine-tune the tricorder just how you need to – I'll give her access to your medical record, only what she needs to make the calibrations. I'll loan her a medscanner too."

"Yeah, right, okay," Jim said thoughtfully, called Lt. Mah-Naz, and asked her to see McCoy and report to the Transporter Room an hour hence.

.

Gaila bounced into the Transporter Room, somehow managing to check over her tricorder and bioscanner at the same time.

"So, how's it going, Captain?" she said cheerfully.

Kirk wanted to glare at her, but he needed her cooperation and he still felt awful about what he'd done to her to "pass" the Kobayashi Maru test, so he smiled weakly and said, "It's going. Did McCoy brief you?"

"Not really. He said we're going to be looking for some … errant Human tissue?" she wrinkled her nose.

"He didn't … specify?"

"No. Should he have? Because I can call him right now and find out."

Kirk was sure she knew exactly what they'd be looking for. He was sure McCoy had briefed her, and he was sure that this might be her way of getting him back for what he had done at the Academy. And yet ….

"Scotty, would you excuse us for a minute?" Kirk made a motion with his hand, and Scotty, squinting his eyes curiously, stepped out of the room.

"All right, Lieutenant. It's my _penis_," he said in a whisper.

"Whaa-at?" Gaila breathed.

"We will be looking for … my _penis_," Kirk replied, a little louder. "Wedding tackle. Junk. Trunk. Sugarlumps. The happy horn and the castanets."

Gaila's eyes grew big and one green hand covered her mouth but it still could not suppress the sound of her giggles. She turned away from him, trying to master herself, but could not do it for some long seconds. Finally, "Ahh-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA !" emerged, and she was fanning her arms and breathing hiccup-y breaths for half a minute; then, somewhat calmer, finally she turned around to see Kirk's scarlet visage. "Sorry for laughing, sir," she said. "Really, I am. I can't imagine …."

"Never mind, Gaila. I just want to find it."

He wasn't angry, just furiously embarrassed. Scotty came back in, and Kirk mumbled at him, "Beam us down to Finagle's Bar."

.

Finagle's, as usual, was filled with all persons of all sorts: convivial and outright drunken spacefarers, resident traders and others. Gaila went straight to the bar and began talking with the bartender, a dangerous looking black-haired Orion woman.

Kirk paused a minute, sizing up the bar, the patrons, looking for possible sources of information. He headed for a pale-skinned, long-haired fellow in a leather vest and pants who looked to be a regular habitué of the bar, and said, "Buy you a drink?"

The guy [the being appeared male, anyway] sneered from behind pink eyeglasses and said, "Wha' makes you think I'm your type, buster?"

"No, no," said Kirk, holding up his hands in approbation. "I'm just looking for something."

"And you thought I migh' have it, eh? You Fleeters are all alike. Just because I'm Ozzbian, you think I'm a drugger. Well I'm not and I'll tell you something else," he slurred. "I resent your implication."

"A Fleeter wouldn't come in here looking to buy drugs," Kirk protested.

"Just last nigh' some guy came in looking for some, so there."

"What was his name?"

"I'd lose all my, er … credibility if I traded in names, Fleeter," and the Ozzbian turned away to finish his drink.

Lt. Mah-Naz came over and whispered in Kirk's ear. "I think I know where we need to go." She told him and Kirk sighed.

.

They headed out of the bar and to the Souk, where all sorts of goods and services were for sale. Brightly colored tarpaulins shaded the market, but there wasn't a good deal of privacy.

"Okay, here we are," Gaila said as they arrived at a shop whose sign said, "Anta Nan's Nanite Replicant Parts." _We can replace any part of your body. Hate what you were born with? Come on in! Ready in just hours! Supergrowth process! Guaranteed satisfaction!_

"But I _don't_ hate what I was born with, I just want it back." Kirk's plaint went unheard.

He glanced around at the tables, unable to restrain his natural curiosity. Facial molds of heroic-looking chiseled chins, and miscellaneous parts - noses, antennae, lips, ears – _pointed_ ears! Did _Vulcans_ come here? He made a note to ask Uhura about Vulcan personal enhancement – _Heh-heh_, he and McCoy could enjoy a joke about that, no doubt.

At least there was a tent behind the front tables, and he entered to find Gaila deeply immersed in conversation with the jolly shopkeeper, who was nodding so frequently she almost lost her scarf.

"Oh yis yis yis we can do zat, not problem."

Gaila handed her a small datachip and the woman bowed deeply to Kirk. "I am Nan. Now, from you, sir, I need some skin scrapings, eh? Come here, don't be so shy." Kirk presented the inside of his wrist, and the woman held his arm steadily as she gently scraped a few skin cells off and deposited them in a tiny jar. "Annnd from the inside of cheek too, yes?"

Kirk wanted to roll his eyes but resisted the impulse. Possibly this woman could help him. He didn't know, but he wasn't about to risk a penis on a fit of pique. "Open viiide …. Dere. Got it." That one went into a vial, which she plugged. She put both samples in a box. "T'ank you both. A pleasure to 'ave your custom, madame, sire. Please stop back by this afternoon, when the sun is over the point of my tent."

Nodding solemnly, Gaila inclined the upper half of her body, putting her palms together, and the woman reciprocated delightedly. Kirk bowed too, took Gaila by the elbow and steered her out of the tent, asking tensely, "How many credits am I in for?"

"Oh, I don't remember exactly," she said. "Around sixteen thousand."

Kirk's mouth dropped open. _So much for the antique bike_. He'd seen it on Earth when they were rehabbing the _Enterprise_ and put aside enough credits to buy and restore it ... an ancient Triumph. It was gorgeous … and now, unreachable.

"What about the … my … _original_?" he asked, trying to keep desperation out of his tone.

"Oh, don't worry, the one we just ordered is just a fallback!" Lt. Mah-Naz said. Gaily.

"Sixteen thousand credits for a … a _fallback_?" Jim sputtered. "What kind of money do you think I'm making, Gaila?"

Two children, a girl and a smaller boy, raced by. The girl said, in the universal language, "Nyah-nyah-nyah-NAHHH-nah! Can't catch me!"

"Gimme my _cla-kliss_! I'm tellin' Anta Laurynn!"

"Anta says you're not supposed to have _cla-klass_, ruins your teeth …" their voices faded into the market chatter.

"You make enough to make sixteen thousand more than approachable," she said, as they edged through a tight crowd watching some jugglers. "Trust me, I bargained with her before you even got inside. Her original price was a lot higher. Be careful. You don't want to short the merchant, or the merchant might … short … you."

Dodging a trotting _kath,_ Kirk groaned. "Can't we take some readings or something with my DNA signature and see if we can find my … y'know, see if _it's_ around here somewhere?"

"Sure, but …" she leaned over to make some tweaks to the tricorder. The _kath_ came and wound around her ankles. She pet it for a moment, calibrating in her head, then adjusted one more thing. Taking a sample reading on her tricorder, she told him, "Okay, now Anta Nan's is excluded. Well, let's try it." Mah-Naz handed him the tricorder, already set to his unique readings, and used the bioscanner.

They walked and walked and walked. Through the Souk, around the Souk, through the streets of the city, and into every hotel.

"Where _were_ you last night, Captain?"

"Oh, here and there. I did stay somewhere in this city, I know, and I got pretty drunk, unfortunately."

"Unfortunately." Gaila made a little moue with her face, very charming, as if she actually commiserated with him. "Do you remember who you were with? Or 'who-all,' as Dr. McCoy might say?"

Kirk turned to her, somewhat affronted, but seeing as how he'd screwed her and then screwed her over, he thought she was actually being pretty decent about this whole thing, so he shut up before he could protest and only said, "I know I was with a beautiful woman … I'm pretty sure I met her at Finagle's … she had dark hair and blue eyes …"

"Human?"

"Umm, no … similar …"

"A Caitian?"

Kirk _psshhhed_ his lips. "A Caitian is _not_ similar to a Human woman. Their fur is incredibly soft, but those _claws_ – ouch. I'll never go out with a Caitian again. I got so scratched up Bones had me on dermaplas therapy for weeks – why am I telling you this? Sorry. Besides, only rarely do they have blue eyes."

They emerged from Hotel Row to a park, and sat on a bench, watching a constant flow of foot traffic – people on dates, people in a hurry to get somewhere, friendly _kaths, fliits _and_ dokks _getting little hand-outs from people at the park snack kiosks or nearby.

"Did you make her happy?"

"Yeah, but c'mon, do I ever make any woman _happy_ for more than a night?"

"You made me happy at the Academy for a few months. Until the day of the_ Kobayashi Maru_ simulation."

"Gaila," said Kirk very seriously, meeting her eyes, "I have owed you an apology for such a long time I got embarrassed about even trying. But I'll try now."

Lt. Mah-Naz pursed her lips, trying not to smile. "Ohhhh-kay."

"What I felt for you was genuine. I'm really sorry I used your good nature and asked you to use your skills just so I could beat the frikkin' test." Kirk bowed his head, his blue eyes narrowing in self-chastisement. "I thought – and I still think – we're pretty compatible. So I feel rotten about what I did."

He looked away, at a temporary loss for words. Finally they came. "It wasn't just _bad_ of me, it was immature of me, and … _and_ it was cheating. I was _cheating_. Captain Pike even told me so on the way out of the hearing. 'Cheating isn't winning.' Damn. Yeah, I thought the _test_ was a cheat, but it wasn't, really, was it. All my smarts didn't save Vulcan. Or all the Starfleet members who …." His eyes were red. "And now I have to say that I don't really think I'm in any position for fidelity, especially without a … y'know."

"Are you trying to say a _conscience_, or a _penis_?"

"Ouch," Jim said, smiling ruefully and wiping his eyes. "Guess I deserved that."

"Yes, unfortunately."

"I think I may be developing a conscience … at least where ladies are concerned. As far as fidelity, I'm not sure I could maintain it – y'know, actually have a relationship with you now that I'm captain, but if we can figure out some ground rules relating to the favoritism issue, maybe we could work something out, since you're in Scotty's command division, not directly in mine. But that's assuming a lot. Like, that you might actually forgive me."

"Hmmmmm," Gaila said thoughtfully, checking the sun's position. Her eyes looked very bright – were they teary? "Perhaps." She bounced up and held out her hand. "Okay, I have an idea about something. And we need to get back to the merchant ASAP."

And, holding hands, they ran back to the Souk.

.

"Yis, yis, yis, all is ready for jou," the merchant said, and opened a beautiful rosewood box with a flourish. "You may go and try it on in there …" and she gestured at a cloth-enclosed booth in the tent's rear.

Kirk opened the box first.

It was … _wow_. It seemed even … a little larger. All pink and red and tan with blue veins in the right places … everything was right, just right, including the hen's egg-sized testicles, deep pink and tan, with dark bronze hair on them. Was it too good to be true? Eyes alight, he glanced at Gaila, who smiled encouragingly.

"One thing," she said, then whispered in his ear, "Put it back in the box."

He frowned. "Are you kidding me?"

"Try it on, then put it back in the box. Trust me."

.

"How you doing in there?" came Gaila's voice.

Kirk was examining it. It had knitted into place, and he couldn't see a single defect. And it was bigger, just a little. But wow! Sixteen thousand credits for _this_! It didn't seem like such a lot, now. He stroked it gently; it was exquisitely sensitive … he tried thinking some naughty thoughts … of making love with Gaila … the thrum of the _Enterprise_'s engines … the Caitian's soft fur … the rush of speed in a free-fall dive … imagined Uhura naked, smiling _un_sarcastically at him (and stringently omitted the inevitable being-strangled-by-Spock part) … yep – _'weigh, hey, and up he rises'!_ He couldn't help himself; he grinned and saluted it in the mirror.

Then, sadly, he detached it – _pop!_ - put it back into the box, and donned his trousers.

Grasping the box protectively, he extended his credit disk to Anta Nan, who smiled even more expansively than ever, rang up the purchase, saying, "Performance of de product lifetime guaranteed. I hope is much lifetime satisfaction for you."

"Um, me too," Kirk answered. "Thanks." He and Gaila bowed and Anta Nan bowed, and the two _Enterprise_ officers left.

Out in the Souk, business was winding down; most people were headed home or to the extensive nighttime entertainment venues.

Gaila led the way back to Finagle's.

**_A/N: _**_Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome!_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Put Your Junk in the Box **_

By Spock Likes Cats

_STXI - Kirk, McCoy, Gaila. Summary: Kirk is cursed by an angry mother. Some frank mentions of male anatomy, but no specific sexual activities._

_A/N: Inspired by the song "Detachable Penis" from Missile Kings and Captain Kirk's notorious history with females. Also by a certain picspam featuring Chris Pine. Captain Pike's words to Kirk are from the excellent story "Measure of a Man" by LadyFangs. Thanks to Aphrodite 319 for some great ideas toward story resolution!_

_DISCLAIMER – Of course, I don't own Star Trek. I write for love and laffs alone. OCs are mine, mine, mine though._

**CHAPTER THREE: "Put Your Junk in the Box!"**

Finagle's was bustling, as usual. _It's always party time at Finagle's!_ bragged the sign outside. Gaila led him in, and again she began speaking with the bartender, the dangerous-looking brunette from earlier. Suddenly it dawned on Kirk. She was dangerous-looking, but also incredibly beautiful, and _she_ was the woman he'd bedded.

He looked around, keeping the box tucked protectively under his arm. The Ozzbian was gone, but there was a Gorn at the bar giving him the iridescent eye. It was difficult to tell Gorn females from Gorn males, but he nodded courteously and the Gorn raised its glass. "Care for a drink?"

The Universal Translator rendered a female voice.

"I really appreciate the offer, but I need to get back to the ship."

"You are Kirk, James T., yessss?"

"Yeah … how did you know?"

The Gorn's teeth, already on display, appeared to become larger, a Gorn smile. "I drink to you on behalf of all females, Kirk James," she said, tossing back her beverage.

Puzzled by this exchange, Kirk noticed Gaila motioning him over. "Thanks. If you'll excuse me …."

The Gorn nodded graciously, and Kirk moved off.

"Uh … hello," he smiled at the bartender. _Ruann? Rue?_

"Hello, _Jim_," she answered. No smile, but there was a sexual something in her eyes. And her pheromones. _Wow_.

"So … Captain … Ru I'in has a proposition for you," Lt. Mah-Naz was saying.

Kirk met Ru I'in's devastating, deep blue eyes. She smiled, slowly, and pointed up.

At a plaque.

And at the center of the plaque, proudly erect, was his penis, the testicles below anchoring the composition. Jim almost lost his grip on the box. _How the hell did I miss this before? It's been here all the time?_

"The first testament to one of my conquests that I can display," Ru I'in said in a throaty voice.

At the bottom of the plaque, in Federation Standard, was the large-print legend: _James Tiberius Kirk, Starfleet Legend, Legendary Lover, and Conquest of Ru I'in. _And just below that, his official Starfleet picture.

Kirk coughed. "A, umm … a ... proud display," he managed. "I'm honored."

"I, too," Ru I'in nodded, her lustrous dark hair tumbling over her shoulders.

"So, shall we get down to business?" Gaila said.

"A drink first," Ru I'in offered, and poured Saurian brandies for each of them. "To the recovery of your … assets." They toasted, and drank.

Gaila leaned forward to whisper into Ru I'in's ear.

"I don't think so," said the dark-haired woman. "I could just keep the original for all that."

"Your box, Captain?" Gaila motioned to it.

_My - ohhh, now I understand … I think._

Kirk placed the box on the bar and turned it so Ru I'in could open it.

"Ohhh," she marveled. "It is more beautiful than the original! For me?"

"If you're willing to trade," Gaila said.

"I might be willing, for a price."

"A pr - !" Kirk started to exclaim, and wanted to cover his mouth. _Oops._

Gaila whispered to Ru I'in again.

"Oh! Oh really?" she said. "Fully functional? And you did say … 'in perpetuity'?"

Gaila nodded at her and they shook.

Ru I'in met Kirk's eyes and smiled broadly, holding out her hand. "It's a deal!"

Jim looked at Gaila. "Before I shake on it, what am I agreeing to?"

Ru I'in said, "I get your _copy_ and all rights to it in perpetuity."

"I get my original back?"

Ru I'in nodded, her curls tossing with her enthusiasm. "Indeed, yes, you do."

Kirk shook.

Ru I'in reached up behind the bar and took down the plaque. "Pop it off, and off you go!"

Jim popped off his original (the uncorking sound again) and said, "May I have the box?"

"Sure." Ru I'in got the replacement out and put it on the plaque. It made a _thwwp_ as it adhered to the plaque.

"Put your junk in the box," Gaila said, "And let's go."

"Kirk to _Enterprise_," Jim said. He wouldn't miss the replacement now that he had _his_ back.

He wouldn't miss the sixteen thousand credits, either. And nor would he miss being the biggest womanizer – well, maybe that was precipitous of him, but he really intended to change his ways and work things out with Gaila. She was sexy, inventive, fun and bright, all the things he enjoyed in a friend and a woman. "Beam us up, Scotty."

.

McCoy bustled into Kirk's Ready Room late the next day. "Say, Jim, I think I've got it. I found a submolecular protoplaser I can use to permanently re-fuse your uhhh… tissue. Normally we just use this thing on wounds, but I talked to the inventor via subspace and she _blah blah blah blah blah …"_

… was all Kirk heard, because inside he was jumping up and down with joy.

"Let's get it done, then," he said, interrupting the flow of words.

"You're just not interested in the finer points of this thing, are you," McCoy grumbled. "Well, who can blame a man who's been separated from his assets in such a terrible, if justified, way."

"Justified!" Kirk breathed. "I can't believe you would-"

"Forget I said it, Jim. I'm already getting a sense that you're about to ... _reform_ yourself." Bones couldn't help it; he chuckled at his own pun. "Come on to Sickbay."

"Nobody else has to be there for the … event … the … re-attachment, do they?" Kirk could just see the look of approbation in Nurse Chapel's blue eyes.

"Not a soul. We can even have a drink afterward to celebrate."

.

A few days later he was in the officer's mess and had a certain feeling. A few conversations stopped as he entered and several women talking to other women, and some of the intersex and gay male crewmembers, grinned and whispered behind their hands to one another ... while the hetero males were uninterested in his appearance, except that he was the captain. They nodded and continued their conversations about ship's business or their leave on Wrigley's, but the women and gays and intersex folk whispered on, gleaming eyes watching his every move.

At one wall sat Gaila, quickly zipping credit disks in and out of a processor, and producing boxes about the same size as the one that had briefly held Jim's "junk." Kirk walked over to her.

"Lt. Mah-Naz, what are you doing?"

She beckoned him to sit across from her. "I'm fulfilling fantasies, Jim!" she beamed at him. "And so are you!"

Fortunately he'd pulled out a chair already or Jim would have fallen on his ass. "Wait a minute – you mean …?" he said in an undertone.

She replied equally quietly. "Hey, you escaped Axillos and the vengeance of the royal family. You escaped Ru I'in thanks to my negotiating skills – _and_ my sharp sales skills – I _am_ Orion, after all! Y'know, she'd have left _your_ peen hanging up there for all eternity just to keep her bragging rights. _This_ way, you're free, you have your property back, and she and I and Anta Nan are making a bundle selling the replicas!"

"Selling …!" Kirk spluttered.

"Here's our marketing line – whaddya think?"

Over a video of the moveable, erectable penis, Jim saw the words: _The best pleasur-ator ever made! Get the one, the **only** real copy of Starfleet Captain James T. Kirk's "junk"!_

It was a damned handsome replica, he had to admit. "Well don't I … get _something_ out of all this?"

"Oh don't worry. Five per cent of the sales go into a savings account for you, sweetie, and another five per cent to your favorite charity – you have but to name it ... Survivors of Tarsus IV? Alcoholics Anonymous? Vulcan Children's Fund?" She patted his hand. "And I believe you mentioned an antique Triumph you had your eye on? You're up to seventy-three thousand credits for it so far, and an equal amount for the charity or charities."

Kirk's eyes went wide. Then he grinned. He was probably one of the most popular men in this quadrant right about now.

"Y'know, I can see what you're thinking right this minute," Gaila told him. "You're thinking wherever you go, it'll be easy to find somebody. But it always _has_ been easy for you, Jim." She leaned forward and took his hand. "Why don't you think of this as _freedom_? Freedom from STDs … freedom from those females who don't want you to leave … freedom to finally order and rebuild that bike! And whatever other antique vehicles you have your eye on! And … if you want … freedom to be with me!"

"Okay," he whispered. He reached out a hand to touch her pretty face. "In fact, I promise you a ride on that bike. Deal?"

She leaned forward and kissed him. "Deal."

**- The End –**

**_A/N: _**Please review and give constructive criticism. And remember, it's cracky, and I made stuff up! ;-) Hope you enjoyed it.

_If you enjoyed this story and haven't already seen AquaSoulSis' hilarious "Detachable Penis," it was inspired by the same song: it's a whole different story! http: DOUBLE SLANT BAR fanficanonymous DOT yuku DOTcom SLANTBAR topic SLANTBAR 236 SLANTBAR Detachable-Penis. The visuals are LOL-worthy!_

_There is also a wonderful, "pleasur-ator"- related, TOS S/U story by TeaOli, called "Blame it on Gados," published on FFNet in early 2010. Five chapters of beautifully written comic bliss._


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